Victory

I am no longer pre diabetic. This may not be a big deal for whoever is reading this, but it is a miracle in my life. The fall of my junior year of high school, I found myself in the ER with several kidney stones. After many tests and scans, it was soon discovered that along with the stones, I had: a hypothyroid, PCOS, and was considered pre diabetic. My insulin level was at forty-two, almost unheard of for someone my age. The doctors were befuddled. I was only sixteen. The rest of the year was a blur of doctors, surgeries, and almost failing all of my classes. To say it was a hard time would be quite an understatement. I still look back and cannot fathom how I made it. That was four years ago. Since then, confusing doctors has been a regular part of my life. Nurses often refer to me as the ‘anomaly’ patient. My entire life and diet has drastically altered. I’ve had to worry about so many issues that friends my age do not, and will not ever, understand. If you’d asked me if I could change it, even a few months ago, I would’ve said yes without hesitation. But now I view my life quite differently, and I would keep it exactly the same. All of the confusion, swine flu, scarlet fever, kidney stones, medications, and allergic reactions to said medications, MRIs, etc. It may sound corny, but if not for all of those experiences, I believe I would be a completely different person. I have no idea who this other Camille would be, but the truth is… she’ll never exist. I do know that this Camille I am now is strong. She is confident in her faith in her savior, Jesus Christ. She knows she has family and friends in her life she can rely on. She knows she can push herself and handle situations beyond her years. She doesn’t go down without a fight. She knows she’s worth more than giving up. I recently had my blood work done in a routine physical check up. I had been working extremely hard to change my future, and was anxious to see the results. My insulin level came back at seventeen. I cried when I saw that number. I am officially no longer pre diabetic. My entire future is brighter now, and I could not smile more if I tried. I know it isn’t over, it’s just one victory. But that’s how you win wars- one victory at a time. And I plan on facing the next battle with the same determination and, hopefully, success. But if I should fall, I know I’ll be okay. Through all of this, I’ve become quite an expert at ‘getting back up’, and I know I have the strength, support system, and willpower to continue to do so. And if all else fails, I know I am found in Christ, and there is not stronger belief out there.

Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice.

So many of you know, I'm a big reader.
My Kindle is my baby.
And my favorite author HANDS DOWN is Francine Rivers.
She writes the most poignant Christian novels.
Naturally, many of them are beautiful love stories that seem written by God himself.

Yeahhh maybe I read too many of these, but gimme a break guys, the worlds not gonna give me an accurate display of love, so I look for it in books.

Anyways, I was reading her book 'Leota's Garden', and when I finished it, I was furious.

The girl ended up alone.
And not because she wasn't gorgeous, the authors descriptions said otherwise.
Not because no one was interested in her, for she had TWO eligible bachelors vying for her feelings.

Oh no. She CHOSE to be alone.
To have Christ be her man for the time being.
And then the novel ended.

First response: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! If I had two guys like that, my only dilemma would be who to choose! Honestly, this girl is ridiculous. Can't she see that God wants her to be with one of these men? I want to shake her! Unbelievable. How could Francine do this to me?? If this story can't end with true love, then my story never will! I'll end up alone without even choosing to do so! I HATE EVERYTHING.
*throws Kindle in a fit of self pity, confusion, and despair*

Now, looking back, I can't believe I ever thought those things.
I must have broken my Saviors heart. Even just typing those out now brought tears to my eyes, knowing that I most likely hurt Him more than I could ever imagine.
I am so sorry.

The girl in the book is one of the strongest characters I've ever come encounter with. She chose to let Christ be the center of her life, instead of one of those boys. And after rereading the book, the guys didn't seem all that great. One insisted that he loved her more than life itself, but he was hardly a Christian young man. The other had known her all his life, went to college, came back to find her a beautiful young woman, and decided her liked her NOW that she looked better and that God wanted them to be together. Yeah... Neither were very good choices. What was I thinking?

So many times I choose others over God. Even these stories. I focus so hard on what God is doing in these fictional lives, that I forget to look for the things He's doing in MY LIFE. My REAL life. That I'm living RIGHT NOW.

Sometimes I amaze myself.
And not in a good way.

Sigh.
He must be so frustrated with me. And I can't apologize and beg forgiveness enough.

I dream of being loved unconditionally.
And yet, my whole life, I have been.
But I forget it all the time because I can't 'see' or 'feel' it the way I think I need to.

Things like...

I want someone to hold my hand.
When God has been trying to hold my hand for over 18 years now.

I want someone to hold me.
When God has been trying to get me in His arms for my entire lifetime.

I want someone to think I'm beautiful.
When I'm created in God's image, and every time He looks at me, He finds me stunning and beautiful through who I am in Him and not by the worlds standards.

And I threw His beautiful and perfect love back in His face.

God, forgive me.

This morning my car died.
And I'm not saying God killed my car so that I could write this entry, but if my car hadn't of died, I don't know when I would have found the time to do this.



I'm gonna go wash my face now, since I'm a complete mess.

For My Love

yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay

Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheel just keeps on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

I THINK I’M AFRAID TO BE HAPPY BECAUSE WHENEVER I GET TOO HAPPY, SOMETHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPENS. — CHARLIE BROWN.

Move Forward

Basically.