Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice.

So many of you know, I'm a big reader.
My Kindle is my baby.
And my favorite author HANDS DOWN is Francine Rivers.
She writes the most poignant Christian novels.
Naturally, many of them are beautiful love stories that seem written by God himself.

Yeahhh maybe I read too many of these, but gimme a break guys, the worlds not gonna give me an accurate display of love, so I look for it in books.

Anyways, I was reading her book 'Leota's Garden', and when I finished it, I was furious.

The girl ended up alone.
And not because she wasn't gorgeous, the authors descriptions said otherwise.
Not because no one was interested in her, for she had TWO eligible bachelors vying for her feelings.

Oh no. She CHOSE to be alone.
To have Christ be her man for the time being.
And then the novel ended.

First response: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! If I had two guys like that, my only dilemma would be who to choose! Honestly, this girl is ridiculous. Can't she see that God wants her to be with one of these men? I want to shake her! Unbelievable. How could Francine do this to me?? If this story can't end with true love, then my story never will! I'll end up alone without even choosing to do so! I HATE EVERYTHING.
*throws Kindle in a fit of self pity, confusion, and despair*

Now, looking back, I can't believe I ever thought those things.
I must have broken my Saviors heart. Even just typing those out now brought tears to my eyes, knowing that I most likely hurt Him more than I could ever imagine.
I am so sorry.

The girl in the book is one of the strongest characters I've ever come encounter with. She chose to let Christ be the center of her life, instead of one of those boys. And after rereading the book, the guys didn't seem all that great. One insisted that he loved her more than life itself, but he was hardly a Christian young man. The other had known her all his life, went to college, came back to find her a beautiful young woman, and decided her liked her NOW that she looked better and that God wanted them to be together. Yeah... Neither were very good choices. What was I thinking?

So many times I choose others over God. Even these stories. I focus so hard on what God is doing in these fictional lives, that I forget to look for the things He's doing in MY LIFE. My REAL life. That I'm living RIGHT NOW.

Sometimes I amaze myself.
And not in a good way.

Sigh.
He must be so frustrated with me. And I can't apologize and beg forgiveness enough.

I dream of being loved unconditionally.
And yet, my whole life, I have been.
But I forget it all the time because I can't 'see' or 'feel' it the way I think I need to.

Things like...

I want someone to hold my hand.
When God has been trying to hold my hand for over 18 years now.

I want someone to hold me.
When God has been trying to get me in His arms for my entire lifetime.

I want someone to think I'm beautiful.
When I'm created in God's image, and every time He looks at me, He finds me stunning and beautiful through who I am in Him and not by the worlds standards.

And I threw His beautiful and perfect love back in His face.

God, forgive me.

This morning my car died.
And I'm not saying God killed my car so that I could write this entry, but if my car hadn't of died, I don't know when I would have found the time to do this.



I'm gonna go wash my face now, since I'm a complete mess.